i love you, new york.
To my New York,
I didn't know how to describe my feelings about meeting you before I did. I was terrified and sad to leave my home and my people, but I was also excited about what I would learn from you and anxious to watch it unfold. When I finally got to you, all of those emotions were tenfold. I knew I would regret not spending time with you, but even that was hard to do when a part of you feels paralyzed. So I walked. Day 1 I walked out my door and the next thing I knew, I had walked about 60 blocks then I just kept walking - every day, as much as I could. I walked about, explored who you were and the things about you I knew I wanted to meet. I walked and prayed and sat and prayed and spent time alone that I desperately needed, all thanks to you. You taught me how to be lonely, I know that may not sound like a compliment, but it is. I was so used to being surrounded by people that I sort of forgot how to spend any time alone, but you gave me a space to do that. There are so many nooks and crannies to your being and I put it on myself to try to find them all, alone. You taught me the beauty of spending time with myself in a place that inspires me. I got to rediscover who I was and what I wanted, not just what was happening to me.
I wasn't all alone though. You brought me closer to the Lord. All that time I was spending by myself asking questions and finding answers, I got to do it with the Lord. You gave me a safe place to breathe and call out to Him in my fear and longing. You also gave me people. Old friends, new friends, roommates, people that made me feel safe and okay to feel all I was feeling. You taught me how to step out on my own and meet new people because oddly enough it had been roughly six years since I really had to do that, without a comfort blanket next to me. You opened my eyes to people that aren't like me and muhgah I'm so glad you did. You showed me how to interact with PEOPLE, not this kind or that view, not people that were exactly like me with similar backgrounds, but just people. You showed me how beautiful our differences truly are and helped me expose my differences without fear or judgement.
New York, you made me resilient. I came to you to find myself, as cheesy as that sounds. I didn't know what our relationship would look like, I had hopes and dreams, but the reality is very different (something I have to learn daily). You showed me those dreams and helped me find ways to accomplish pieces of them. You reminded me of what I liked and what inspired me and didn't make me feel bad for any of it. I miss you, New York. I miss your sounds and (sometimes) your smell. I’m for real when I say I smelled exhaust the other day and teared up a little, but I guess that’s love, isn’t it? I miss your noise and the busyness of life with you. I miss the bagel place that was just around the corner from me and the cafes I would sit at late at night just listening. I miss being able to turn corners and be inspired by you. People come to you to accomplish things and you give them a space to do that. You're not impossible like people think because a place that welcomes all sorts of dreams isn't a place that's impossible, it's a place that reaches out a hand to guide you. You guided me to what was next, even if it wasn't with you, and I'll always love you for that. When people ask me why I moved to New York, I simply say "because I wanted to." I wanted to be near you and inspired by you, I wanted to feel welcomed and I wanted to grow. You helped me grow.
Thank you, New York. Thank you for being fully who you are - confident, resilient, hospitable to dreams, a safe place to breathe and scream and cry - you still inspire me daily and I only hope to be more like you. Until we meet again, my love.
Always and forever,
EB
